Spiritual Timeline
Pentecostal Childhood
I grew up in the Assembly of God denomination. I had a very difficult childhood so my faith was a sacred treasure to me, a respite from a difficult time in school and at home. They offered me the gentleness I didn't find otherwise. My family is extremely against organized religion, and this created a difficult relationship and inflamed my devotion to God. I was always moving around as a kid, so I was never able to make real friendships, but there was always an A/G church wherever I moved to ready to welcome me in as family. However, things became really rocky in my late teens, and I had to walk away.
Alongside my Christian spirituality was the indigenous teachings from my family, but it was never sold to us as a spirituality. it was simply our lives, as normal as washing with soap or sitting by a campfire singing songs. It's important to understand that spirituality has always been a significant experience in my life. My brother expressed it very well when we were kids. he said that everyone else was physical, reaching for the spiritual, while I was spiritual, reaching for the physical.
I spent a short time considering Roman Catholicism in the early 2000's, but knew that I couldn't become a nun, which would have been the most natural choice for me. The idea of being removed from modern life to focus only on study and prayer certainly felt good, but I knew that ultimately, I couldn't walk that path. it is too feminizing. Priesthood doesn't have this tension since my body is female read, it isn't limiting in the same way that being a nun would be.
The hardest part was coming to a place of peace about leaving Christianity. I had been so devoted that I truly had to account for my own faith. I had to ask myself the hard questions about going to Hell. Eventually I realized something that gave me the strength to move forward. I reasoned that if I was God, watching what little Kaikyo went through, I wouldn't be mad that she left Christianity to heal. I would be willing to go by any name, any face that let her heal. In this way I didn't have to surrender my true faith, which is that the concept of "God" is love. Not dogma, and not submission to absurd ideals. Love.
Exploring the world
I had always felt very called to ministry but now I struggled to understand what that meant once I wasn't Christian. The religions I was drawn to don't have a concept of priesthood in the same way that the Abrahamic faith family does.
First I explored into heathenry as a Tyrian. This began to challenge my understanding of God because Heathenry is Polytheist, So the longer I was Tyrian, the longer it was strange that I only had dealings with one God, so I began to branch out to other Germanic gods, including Loki, Skadi, Eir, and Freya.
Understood as a reconstructed faith, a religion with homework, modern academics look at historical records and attempt to bring the spirit of that lost ceremony into the modern era without role playing, and this concept is very similar to the work of revitalization being done within Indigenous communities. I wasn't connected with the field of theology, so I didn't know about Christian concepts of deconstruction and reconstruction, which are different from reconstructing a 'dead' tradition.
When I learned the tools and framework, I found it easy to paste Native American concepts into the Heathen frame. Now concepts I was a bit disconnected from made a lot more sense, these weren't Scandinavian trees, they were trees I was familiar with. These weren't birds I'd never seen, they were birds I felt connection to that carried similar medicine. Indigenous faiths are Indigenous faiths.
The more I listened to these life experiences, the more they helped me move forward. I couldn't shake off the past and pretend it didn't happen.
I had to carry it, like a sacred regalia that would get heavier over time, and I had to learn to carry the weight.
Learning to sing the song
By now we're around the year 2006. I had begun to study Wailaki and I was just starting the journey of understanding what it meant to be biracial and white passing. But suddenly I'm freaking out, so I go to the doctor. First diagnosed with depression, and then chronic daily migraines. I'm given a lot of different 'brain drugs' quickly, and I'm unable to cope with the side effects. I stop going to work. I start staying in bed.
Fast forward a few years and I have a literal army of doctors behind me, with few answers. When Topamax failed to help, the withdrawal symptoms were overwhelming. I didn't understand addiction until I tried to stop taking Topamax. When I spoke of this to the Doctor, he said it couldn't happen. I was broken by his words, he was calling me a liar.
I entered into what I refer to as the dark times, becoming little more than a living corpse in the bed. To be awake was agony, to be asleep was to experience endless nightmares as my brain tried to process all of the pain I was in. I have nothing I can talk about because I have nothing I can do. I can barely communicate because everything is so loud. First my family and friends are compassionate, then annoyed at my consistent absence at important events. eventually, they stop inviting me. it wasn't their fault. It wasn't my fault.
I sought out any god that would listen, and they were happy to respond, but wouldn't take the pain away. Part of me was deeply afraid that I had brought this on myself by leaving Christianity. But I also knew that to go back to Christianity like this would admit that God loved Christianity more than he loved me. This was the biggest sin I could imagine, choosing to worship this God of fear just because I was afraid he was mad at me for calling him Creator.
Life is but a Dream
I had to find a new way to move forward, and with the patient encouragement of my friends, I eventually tried medical marijuana. It didn't magically solve my migraines, but it gave me a way to begin to heal, while also forcing me into the uncomfortable reality of having a medication that was so controversial. I didn't want to be afraid of traveling to other states for fear of the legal status of my medicine, but I did want to be able to have as normal of a life as possible, and Marijuana was able to give me what Vicodin and other 'brain drugs' couldn't. I was called the 'ideal patient' for medical marijuana since I had tried everything else. Life started to get better. I was able to clean the house again, exercise. I started community college, and then- university. I was so proud when I got my first student worker job in 2015, having my first job since migraines took me out of the workforce in 2009.
Eventually, I began to own Nathulgahai. and when I moved to San Francisco, I realized that often Indigenous people exclude ourselves from the conversation by creating distance to retain our identity. We like to say Medicine Person or Doctor, but I am also a Priest. These concepts aren't divorced from each other except that in Wailaki culture, everyone is a Priest and everyone is a Doctor, so it doesn't make you special to talk to Creator, what makes you special is your ability to respond to Creator.
I do not give many details about Nathulgahai realities because there is no need. if someone is Nathulgahai, Then I don't need to explain anything, and if they are not Nathulgahai, the details I give are sufficient for their understanding.
Once I had found myself within a Native American community I had the form of ministry I had been seeking. Not draped in elaborate robes in an ostentatious chapel convincing people to convert or burn forever in Hell, I was sitting with people in my community having meltdowns about queer legislation, walking together through this often violent life. That's what I was called to do, not convince vulnerable people they were sinful and needed forgiveness.
Can we talk demons?
The Darkness creeps in
When you reach into the darkness, Pull out the light.
The Darkness creeps in
After my Grandfather passed away in 2018, I really struggled to understand my new reality. My grampa had been the light of my life, and I always knew his death would be the worst experience I could go through. I was right.
I don't blame anyone, but after my Grandfathers death, I didn't have the support I needed to move forward. I was trapped in my grief. I didn't believe anything could get better. To say I was barely hanging on is an understatement. I went through the motions to go to class and work, but there was nothing left inside.
I began to withdraw again, burning tons of incense and candles in a desperate attempt to feel something- anything again.
Whenever you're ready!
When you reach into the darkness, Pull out the light.
The Darkness creeps in
When I decided to leave Christianity, a friendly presence stayed with me, but I couldn't tell if this was related to the Christian God or a Devil, so I just ignored it. It offered to help whenever I was ready, but I wasn't ready. I would recognize it in any religion I entered, like a friend wearing a costume at a party. It never tried to influence me, just offer help; and it was perfectly patient to wait for me to be absolutely ready.
After my grampas death though, I was desperate for anything that made me feel better in my loneliness. I was nearing the end of my degree, and didn't feel like it was leading me anywhere bright and new.
I started watching the TV show Lucifer, and felt very validated by the show. Tom Ellis has discussed how the show allowed him to grapple with the hard parts of his faith. I had been introduced to Luciferianism soon after leaving Christianity, but never had any desire to look into it. Now I didn't care if the road led me to Hell.
When you reach into the darkness, Pull out the light.
When you reach into the darkness, Pull out the light.
When you reach into the darkness, Pull out the light.
As I researched Luciferianism, I found the same complicated reality that I had walked in my entire life. One side of Luciferianism was this dark devilish reputation of human sacrifices and any sort of depravity one could imagine.
yet, there was also this other reality- Every Luciferian I have ever met has been a part of a major religion, truly, honestly believed in it, and they reached a point they couldn't move forward with it.
Genocide and pedophile apologists, hypocrisy and apathy, being abandoned when we needed love the most. We weren't these dark devils, we were outcasts.
I wasn't Luciferian because I was willing to swear allegiance to Lucifer as the true God, but instead because a major teaching is being willing to stand up for what you believe in. Even if it vilifies you. Even if it forces you out.